Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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