Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
