the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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