I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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