seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
