I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Your penis caused this!
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
