True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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