Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
