i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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