Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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