Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
