my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
