i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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