my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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