my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
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He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
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I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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