What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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