Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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