if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
this boner is exhausting
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
