were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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