hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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