Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You're like the curious george of whores
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
