what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
