The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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