Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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