He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
