Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize