yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
