We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
