the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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