They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
