Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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