Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
