obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
