she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
