Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
