dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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