Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Randomize
