My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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