the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
