Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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