if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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