wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
