I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
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THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
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Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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