We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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