i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
