I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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