Heybabeimwearingurpanties
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
