You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
