That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
