I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He better not be in your backpack
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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