My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.