Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Randomize
