I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
