Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
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