While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
